5 Reasons There Are No Hipsters in Mississauga
Skinny Jeans and dressing like a lumberjack with a massive beard: the telltale signs of a hipster. Stroll down Queen West, Parkdale or Ossington and you see these guys drinking PBR and talking about some electro-funk band that no one has ever heard of. For some reason the selection of hipsters in Mississauga is severely lacking and I did some research into why that is. So without further delay, here are my top five reasons there are no hipsters in Mississauga.
5 - No Craft Beer Scene
Hipsters love craft beer and are willing to pay big bucks to get it. You will notice that the amount of independent brewers is directly correlated to the lack of hipsters. Don't get me wrong, there is one craft brewer in Mississauga. The people who run it are great and the beer is tasty, but it doesn't have the kind of vibe that makes me want to drive my vintage bike to it.
4 - Bicycle Unfriendly Streets
A hipster can be identified by his racing bike with a single gear on the back. With his beard blowing in the wind and his skinny jeans held to his body ever so snug, he is in his element on the open road on his hipster bike and let's face it, unless you live in Port Credit, Mississauga is not a haven for cycling.
3 - No Urban Outfitters
Straight up, Urban Outfitters began this trend in Brooklyn, New York and without this hipster mecca in Mississauga; it's like the Vatican without a Pope. ITS NOT GONNA FLY until it opens at Square One!
2 - The police will fine / arrest you for drinking in the park
Walk into Trinity Bellwood's Park on Queen West and you will see a couple of things: one is hipsters pretending to be able to play soccer and the other is hipsters drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon on the grass. For some reason, as soon as a hipster enters the park she feels the need to crack open a king can of Labbatt 50 and if you do that in Mississauga, the police are coming!
1 - Big Box Stores
The big box store is like kryptonite to hipsters, they cannot stand it! In fact, I heard that if a hipster sets foot in a Wild Wing they lose their privilege to wear skinny jeans for a year! They take this really seriously, to the point where one of them told me that "The Drake hotel is a corporate shill!" I mean, this place was the hipster headquarters until Drake started hanging out there, I guess.